


Memories

by Starsandmoonys



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Azkaban, Character Death, F/M, Halloween, Hurt Remus Lupin, M/M, Prison, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26606980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starsandmoonys/pseuds/Starsandmoonys
Summary: Remus Lupin, Halloween, three years after everything fell apart.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 8





	Memories

It was Halloween, another year passes. They say time heals, but everything feels the same. Nothing changed. No, everything changed in one night three years ago, except he stayed the same. He didn’t change. Time stood still for Remus. He never stopped wishing. He would wake up every day, hoping it was just one of his nightmares, that he would walk into the kitchen and see him, smiling at him with a hot cup of tea in his hands. Instead, he wakes up cold, shaking, they all haunt him, visit him in his dreams, he was drowning more day by day. It never stopped, never faded.

He was useless. He couldn’t save anyone. He was late, to the remains of a beautiful family at the Potters’, and then to the massacre in that cursed alley. He never doubted Sirius. Why would he? Sirius was all that matters to him. He was Harry’s Padfoot. James’ brother. Peter’s best friend. If it means anything, it’s that the only man he loved, cared for, and adored is a masker. Was everything fake? Did he ever love him? He cries himself to sleep most days when he’s not passed out drunk or working a late-night shift in a muggle store. One word circulating his brain, “Why?”

Remus walked home with all his thoughts running around and never-ending, he saw kids running around in costumes with their parents. He thought of Harry. His little Harry, that adorable little kid who made everyone’s life a bit more bearable by just existing. He remembered how James used to put on muggle music and dances around the room while holding him, “He’s going to have a great taste in music, Moony. You have to teach them young.” He used to get him all those bedtime storybooks that his own mother used to read to him, and he and Lily would act out the characters in the book to make it more lively till he falls asleep. Peter used to bring loads of cookies and little snacks, sneaking some into the baby’s hands while his mother wasn’t looking.

While he wanted nothing but to block those memories, the thoughts rushed. Sirius, he loved that kid immensely. Or did he? He ended up setting him to die. Sirius would buy Harry all sorts of gifts, clothes, toys, brooms. Prices didn’t matter to him, whether it was muggle or not. “Look at this stuffed duck, Remus. I’m going to get that for Prongslet. “

“That’s the third one you get this week alone, Pads.” Remus would complain.

“But, it’s cute. He’ll love it.” Sirius says with a pout which Remus doesn’t hesitate to kiss away.

“Fine, I won’t be the one having to deal with Lily’s wrath.”

He spent most of his time with Harry when he wasn’t on missions or lying to Remus in bed about how much he loves him, giving him empty promises of a blissful future. He would argue with James quite playfully saying he loves Harry most. “He might be your kid, but he’s my godson, and that, my dear friend, is a privilege.”

“Yes, over everyone else, Padfoot. Not me.” James says laughing at his brother’s silliness.

“It’s a losing argument, Jamie. I’m clearly his favorite.” Sirius states smugly while rocking Harry to sleep in his lap.

Remus collapsed on the bed, memories of the worst day of his miserable life becoming seemingly unbearable, “Please, when will it stop?” he cried out loudly to the emptiness in that really cold house he lived in. It was theirs. And it was so warm and loving before, now it was just ashes of what once was. Remus wanted to leave, all he did for the past three years is walk into this place and stumble into Sirius, or his hallucinations of him, what’s left him. He saw him in the kitchen, dancing as he prepares dinner. He saw him lying in bed, with his arms wide open for Remus to settle there. He was in the hallway to the front door, kissing him goodbye before leaving for a mission.

Remus preserved this image of Sirius, his Sirius, not the person who would dehumanize himself that much to be able to kill everyone around him, all who ever gave a shit about him. He wonders why was he the only one left alive. He thinks about why Sirius just let him be. He wasn’t ordered to kill him? Or was he just his play toy? It didn’t matter, because Remus died that day too. Padfoot wasn’t in prison. Padfoot died. The man he knew died, just like everyone else.

He was too tired for tears, so he just curled up and tried to fall asleep. He wanted to end this day, as soon as possible. He found himself whispering, “Will I ever love again?” He realized how futile that question was and let out a bitter laugh. Something inside him replied, 'you never fell out of love to be able to love again. All that he did, and you still love him. You never stopped. Don’t fool yourself, you’d rather have Sirius above anything else in the world right now.' That voice was right, he loved him so much, he never stopped missing him. The wolf never adjusted to not having his Padfoot.

Remus fell asleep in the same position, hours later. He was thinking about one thing, a question he wanted to ask Sirius, “Was it all worth it, Pads?”

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, thank you for reading.   
> Follow me on [Tumblr](https://starsandmoonys.tumblr.com/)


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